Lessons From Therapy: 3 things I learned as a therapist

Working with people in the hardest seasons of their lives is not something you go into without being changed yourself. My job is to help people grow and heal but I never really considered just how much I would grow and heal alongside them.

Let me mention a few caveats here: therapists are human just like everyone else, and we don’t have it all together. Also, therapists should work on themselves in their own sessions, not in yours.

That being said, Carl Jung (one of the leading psychologists of the early 1900’s) and Henry Nouwen (writer and theologian) both use the phrase “wounded healers” to describe those in the helping professions. I love this phrase, as it accurately depicts the reality and humanity of helpers.

I’m not a therapist because I have it all together and know all the answers, but because I feel called to help others experience healing. I am wounded myself, in different ways. None of us are perfect or unscathed. So here are lessons that have helped me grow as a “wounded healer”.

Lesson #1: People will always surprise you

I specialize in trauma, arguably one of the more “challenging” specialties as secondary trauma is a frequent occupational hazard. However, my clients are seriously the most resilient people I’ve ever met. Surviving horrible and hard things did not end them. Seeing their motivation for growth and change is completely inspiring.

I like to think I have good discernment and can get a read on people quickly. However, I’ve learned to never judge people. Being a therapist has shown me that there is so much more to people than meets the eye. To be totally cliché, I’ve learned never to judge a book by its cover. People carry around more stories than you will ever be able to know. And they are capable of more than even they can imagine.

Lesson #2: Listening is a superpower

I used to think I was a great listener to my friends. I’ve always felt like a supportive friend and an encourager. My graduate program was very clear about the role of a therapist: our goal is to listen and understand, not give advice. We had to practice active listening skills, where we were only permitted to respond with empathetic statements like “that sounds so tough” or “tell me more”.

For the first time in my life I understood that listening isn’t “listening to respond’ but “listening to hear and understand”. I started taking these skills outside the session room and into my relationships. Suddenly the people in my life were responding to me with a softness that they hadn’t been able to experience before. And I was being a better friend than I ever had been before (until I started acting like their therapist, which they didn’t appreciate 😊 but I digress).

Listening is by far one of the greatest gifts I give people now. And while I don’t always have the emotional capacity for much after a long day of sessions, it’s a skill I’ve learned to cultivate that has changed me and my relationships.

Lesson #3: I can’t save anyone

In light of my caveats mentioned above, I had to learn some hard lessons about my own limits in a helping profession. I can’t heal someone who isn’t ready to heal. I can’t make someone want change in their lives. It’s not my fault if a client chooses not to grow.

One of the best lessons I’ve learned is that I’m no one special. While my flesh wants to “fix” everything and find solutions, I have to remind myself that I’m not the healer. All the success my clients achieve is theirs alone. It’s a good humility lesson for me to be reminded that I am not Jesus.

In my flesh I long to feel important and helpful. But then that means that my self-inflated sense of importance results in expectations I can never meet, and was never meant to meet. Only Jesus truly heals. And only my clients can make the changes their lives need.

My job is to hold space for them and facilitate the growth. This is what I remind myself when I’ve had a tough day. And its been an invaluable lesson that has truly been freeing for me.