‘Tis the season for interactions that make you feel 10 years old all over again, whether you’re stuck at the “kid’s table” or not.
I see my clients fall into two categories during this time of year. The first group is able to get into the Christmas spirit once they feel like they’ve got their stress under control, while the other group takes a clear “grit your teeth and bear it” stance.
The second group is just hoping to make it to January 2nd without a breakdown. If you feel like you might be falling into that second group, you may need to set some boundaries.
Boundaries
This is a way bigger topic than I can cover here, but for the purposes of holidays and family interactions with that one relative who always pushes your buttons…lets cover a few basics.
A boundary is not something you put in place for OTHER people. A boundary is what helps you know what you are comfortable with. Think of a boundary as “permission with parameters”. Here is an example:
Situation:
Cousin Maurice (fictitious) and I have different political views, and I don’t want to argue with him because that doesn’t make me feel relaxed or happy.
Unhealthy boundary example:
I avoid the family dinner entirely (passive) or go ahead and make my opinions known before he has the chance to argue (aggressive). Or maybe I tell everyone BEFORE this cousin arrives how I’m NOT going to let him “mess” with me this year (passive aggressive).
Health boundary:
I go to the family dinner prepared to be cordial and yet aware that I will NOT get into a political debate. Therefore, when Maurice baits me, I respond “I’m enjoying my evening too much to talk about politics Maurice, but tell me about how your dog is doing.” I’ve just communicated what I’m comfortable talking about (and what I’m not going to talk about) in an assertive manner.
Pro tip:
If Maurice pushes me on it, or won’t drop it, I continue to communicate assertively, i.e. “Not going to discuss politics tonight Maurice. Let me know when you want to talk about something else and I’d love to.” That’s holding my boundary.
Expectations
It’s important to have realistic expectations for yourself AND others during the holidays. I’ve learned that the old adage “Expectations kill relationships” is forever true.
Don’t expect other’s to magically know that you’re now attempting to communicate boundaries and practice being more assertive. They don’t know, and they probably have their own stuff to worry about.
So do everyone a favor and check your expectations at the door. You can only control you, so if you feel uncomfortable or cornered or pressured or overlooked, give yourself a quick break to check in with yourself.
What can you do that is within your control to hold your boundaries and manage your expectations this holiday season?
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